Blog

Things I Can’t Explain

I can’t explain to you how sex will be if you do the work.

I can’t explain the way that, when you make breath a practice, a sensation that was once as though at a distance will consume your whole being.
I can’t explain how, by following the breath into the places in yourself that scare you, you will unlock pathways in your body that pleasure will travel along like wildfire. (more…)

Permission to enter the Spectrum of Possibilities

As a psychosexual coach, I treasure those moments when I’m approached by clients who are standing on a threshold, and looking for someone to cheer them on as they step over it. While I’ve accompanied clients over thresholds ranging from career changes to bereavement, inevitably, the thresholds I’m often approached for are those that fall under the broad umbrella of GSRD – Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity. From first forays into non-monogamy, to that oft arising question, “Can I call myself queer?”, one of the joys of the job is undeniably supporting clients to find the permission to embody new identities and explore new lifestyles – and getting to see sides of them that were previously stifled start to flourish.

However, one of the things that I’ve noticed causes seekers to falter on those thresholds is the impression that many of the communities and narratives surrounding GSR diverse identities exude – that you’re either all in, or you’re out. (more…)

Diversity Practices for Deepening Intimacy

A couple of weeks ago, I did something which, at the time, felt enormously risky. I lead an experiential session on diversity for the Interfaith Foundation that ordained me.

The reason doing so felt as acutely vulnerable as it did goes something like this: Diversity is an arena where, especially as a white person raised in western culture, failure is guaranteed. There are no two ways about it; fuck ups are inevitable from my particular privileged vantage point. Besides which, inclusion looks different to different people, so there’s no “getting it right” for everyone. And yet diversity is also an arena I believe we have to be willing to step up and into, in order to really have a shot at creating welcoming, inclusive, and safer spaces.

As if this wasn’t enough, the subject is one that feels profoundly personal. Certainly, diversity is something I care deeply about as a practitioner; I’ve had the pleasure of collaborating on a diversity guide for professionals in my field over the last few months, and the topic of how to create more inclusive spaces within the limits of my resources is one I wrestle with on a regular basis. But more than that, having grown up outside the UK, and received my fair share of “go back to where you came from” messages; and having more recent experience of being a gender non-conforming person navigating heteronormative culture; diversity matters to me in a way that runs deep.

So there I was, sharing something I cared passionately about, but could not possibly claim to be an expert in, and which has the potential to cut me to the quick, raise old scars, and leave me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Not entirely unlike opening up to intimacy, in other words. (more…)

Ritualising Intimacy – or, What Does Magic Have to do with Sex Anyway?

Twice this year I have had the exquisite pleasure of training a group of sexuality practitioners in the art of Ritual Fireplay. After the most recent course in Stockholm, a day immersed in ritual, bathed in firelight, and interspersed with sweet sounds of sensation and release, I’ve been thinking a lot about magic.

Specifically, why magic and ritual are woven around and through so much of what I offer in the work that is Making Love with God. (more…)

On Letting Go

Disclaimer dear reader: letting go is neither my favourite thing, nor my forte. But lately I’ve been hearing whispers that letting go might be just the thing for me right now in a few areas of my life. And when I go out walking, I cannot help but catch my breath at just how beautiful the trees make it look.

So it is that, in the last few weeks, I’ve noticed three things about letting go: (more…)

The G-Word Revisited

The evening is well underway when myself and a friend sit ourselves down for a catch up in the Earth quarter. It’s a Koinonia event, based as usual on the four elements. Next door, the Water space is a quiet haven of cuddling couples and massage swaps; upstairs, the sound of the base in Air – the dance floor – mingles with more suggestive sounds from the designated play space that is Fire, and drifts down to us where we sit, next to the bar spread with home-cooked treats. My Terrific Team are on duty, and my work for the moment is done – so I’m at liberty to indulge in a good long chat about semantics.

You see, my friend is confiding in me his reservations about attending one of the Making Love with God weekend intensives. Whilst he’s quick to affirm how much he enjoys Koinonia evenings, and how much he trusts me, he admits he is still put off by the “God word”. Could I do a little re-branding he wonders, acknowledging in the same breath that he’s aware how much of his wariness around that term is his “stuff”. He’s a dear friend, and we’re both always up for grappling with problems of a metaphysical and morphological nature, so an excellent conversation ensues – but it got me thinking it might be time to revisit the G-word issue again, and see if I could put any more minds to rest around why I use it. (more…)

An Ode to Perseverance

Perseverance.

This is the subject of my love letter to you this month dear hearts.

Specifically, perseverance in relationship.

What follows is an ode to those of you pushing through the undergrowth of resentment and the quick sands of fear, in dogged determination to get back to the heartland of connection. A serenade to those sitting up together till 3am, wrestling the built up habits of a lifetime into submission in order to allow trust to blossom. A celebration of those striving to get present enough with the all-too-familiar to make it new*. And an attempt to offer some possibilities to those of you asking yourselves a variation of the following:

How can I nurture our togetherness, and take action on behalf of our love, in order to make this relationship even more sustainable, intimate, and juicy? (more…)

Why Relate: Some Thoughts on the Vital Necessity of Cultivating our Capacity to Connect

Reconnection is one of the strongest driving forces behind the work that is Making Love with God. That innate and undeniable longing to reconnect – to ourselves, to each other, and perhaps to something more than us. The call, in other words, to relationship.

Relationship being a very particular thing to dedicate one’s life to, I do a fair amount of reflecting on the driving force behind what I do. With this year’s Initiation Training beginning in under two weeks, a training with reconnection beating at its very heart, I wanted to share three reasons* why I believe that creatively cultivating our capacity to connect is so very, vitally, relevant – now, and always. (more…)

The Side Effects of Conscious Sex

In last month’s post, I attempted to create a working definition for Conscious Sexuality. This is how far I got:

To engage in Conscious Sex is to engage and commit your whole self to the erotic experience – to endeavour to become as fully present as you can to what is moving in you in each moment, and to what is moving in anyone else engaging in the experience with you. It is to be present enough to what is moving in the erotic body, or the space between erotic bodies, to allow an infinite number of possibilities to unfold there – including what might be described as miracles.

In this month’s post, I’m going to talk about some of the side effects I see unfolding as a result of practicing Conscious Sex. These are drawn from experiences reported by my clients, workshop participants, and colleagues, as well as my own. The side effects I’ll be exploring here are:

Integration – Intimacy – Ecstasy – An Expanded Definition of Sex (more…)

A Definition of Conscious Sex

Recently, I found myself sitting in on a conversation about sex and spirituality, noticing I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. As it was the end of a long day, I didn’t pin down what was making me so restless until much later, when I was back in my own space. It was then I realised what I felt had been missing from the discussion:

The term “sex” was being used as though everyone knew what it meant – and, despite the fact that it was being discussed within a spiritual context, no distinction had been made between the physical act of intercourse, and what I might term Conscious Sexuality. (more…)