It’s that time again. That moment when I feel called to offer Sex Magic for our Times out into the world, and I wait to see if this is something the world – or at least, the tiny corner of it that I am interwoven with – would like to receive right now. This piece of work that took shape during the lockdown of early 2020; that was designed to nourish during uncertain times, to seed togetherness during divisive times, and to resource us for the change we wish to be and see in unprecedented times. This piece of work that I have come to love, a journey that I have treasured accompanying each precious group of erotic explorers on, that I am wholeheartedly excited to offer again. And yet each time I wrestle – I wrestle – with its worth in the face of these heart-breaking times, with the question of why I am offering to hold space for pleasure in the face of so much global suffering and collective fear. I come face to face with the ghosts of those false, outdated binaries and barriers – between pleasure and purpose, pleasure and activism, pleasure and spirit – which I have been breaking down with this work for the last ten years.
I have reflected and written before about the vital role pleasure plays in revolution, and how sex magic can support us in creating change. Today, I want to reflect on something a little simpler, but which can feel like an equally radical proposition right now – sex magic as a portal into slowing the fuck down.
Sex Magic for our Times was created in a moment when many folks felt they had an abundance of time on their hands. But studies show that a lot of us ended up working longer hours during lockdown. And we don’t seem to have stopped since coming out. If anything, it feels like we’re moving, and expected to move, faster every day, and I know the biggest consideration for a lot of folks coming towards the course is whether they can afford the time. Slowing down in order to pay attention for three hours a week feels like a big investment right now.
And yet… practising slowing down is not just a radical act right now – it’s essential for our survival. Slowing down is essential for self-regulation, for self-care, for decision-making and direction-changing, for moving intentionally and kindly through this world. And it is essential for the experiences offerings like Sex Magic for our Times are here to facilitate: creating safe and sacred space; deep listening to self and other; getting present with the big feelings; cultivating pleasure and tapping into the erotic. Slowing down is also essential for a lot of the skills it can feel like we’re missing collectively right now: getting curious; finding common ground; noticing harm and creating repair; changing our minds; creating change together. In short, slowing down is essential for togetherness. So this year, I’m appreciating what those three hour sessions make possible, from our opening breath practices and spacious sharing circles, to sitting with big feelings and sharing rituals, and I’m pondering how to deepen the invitation and opportunity to slow down that Sex Magic for our Times can offer.
Slowing down can also help cultivate or carry us into rest. I’m currently reading Tricia Hersey’s Rest is Resistance, relishing her words flowing over and through me like a benediction. Receiving with deep gratitude the reminder that rest is not a luxury, a limited frivolity, an optional side-quest to my main mission of productivity in service to late-stage capitalism. Rather, individual rest is resistance, is unravelling, is an affirmation of our inherent enoughness. Collective rest is radical care and real time liberation. And rest is divine, is a place we can connect with divinity. As we journey in the Northern Hemisphere into the dark heart of a collectively exhausting year, a year of relentless grief for the world, rest may sometimes seem irrelevant in the face of a multitude of urgencies. And yet it is more essential than ever. A force of nature and a source of healing that we can either fight, or surrender to, but we cannot choose to side-step.
Surrender has always been at the heart of this work. On the journey into ritual, pleasure, and staying with the trouble that is Sex Magic for our Times, it is one of our main ports of call. Which may seem paradoxical for a course that is this experiential and interactive, where co-creativity is a cornerstone and collaboration shapes our virtual sacred space. But surrender is a vital counterbalance to creativity; without surrender, creativity becomes enslaved to capitalism and leads to burn-out. In my book Igniting Intimacy: Sex Magic Rituals for Radical Living and Loving, I describe surrender as “the antidote to the anxious malaise of pleasing, perfecting, and performing.” Surrender is also the medicine for individualism and isolation: When we surrender, we remember we are not alone; we make space for others to step up, for the mystery to come in. In surrendering to what is, we bless the mess, we find a little more grace for humanity, our own and other people’s, and we acknowledge when we need help. And we discover that surrender is essential to pleasure: to receiving, to fully feeling, and to letting pleasure flow.
When I was writing down my intentions for this year’s course, one of them was to create a safe, loving, and welcoming space for the weary – weary queers and marginalised folks, weary artists and activists, and weary witches and weavers of the erotic. So if that’s you, come and slow down with us, be soft with us, feed your spells with pleasure and your spirit with rest, and let’s make some magic for troubled times and tired souls together.
In the meantime, here are three of my favourite breaths for slowing down. I suggest trying all of them in order (or any that feel accessible for you right now), and seeing which one(s) you like best!
Stand and take a couple of deeper, fuller breaths to begin. Then, as you breathe in, rise up on the balls of your feet. As you exhale, drop back down to the ground, with soft knees. Repeat 5 times. (this breath was shared with me by my beloved friend and colleague, Desire Catalyst Elise Bish)
Take a couple of deeper, fuller breaths. Then breathe in counting slowly to four, hold your breath for four, breathe out for four, and hold again for four. Repeat 5 times or so. (This is often referred to as box breathing)
Finally, take a couple of deeper, fuller breaths. Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Then focus on your exhale, and extend it, experimenting with making it twice as long as your inhale. You might want to purse your lips to help keep the exhale slow and steady. Repeat at least 5 times.